For example, after semi-moving to Virginia, I discovered Wawa, which is like a convenience store but they also sell food that you order via touchscreen. Or, as I explained to a tourist who asked where the nearest convenience store was:
“It’s like if 7-11 and Subway had a baby, and then Sonic raised it.”
Somehow he seemed even more confused by this explanation. I’m not really sure why; everyone else I’ve mentioned it to thought it was the perfect description of our lord and master Wawa.
There was also the time I was shopping with my friend Eloise and she found a shirt that was a ridiculous shade of chartreuse. For some reason she was quite taken with the button-down. The ensuing conversation went as follows:
Me: I don’t know, this shirt is sparkly and I really like it, but it’s a little tight across the—
This picture honestly cannot capture how terrible that shirt was.
Me: Oh hell no. I thought you needed to buy sweaters.
Eloise: I do.
Me: That’s not a sweater. Where did you even get that?
Eloise: I took it when you weren’t looking so that you wouldn’t say “that’s not a sweater, put it down”. Isn’t it awesome?
Me: Ye-es…
Eloise: You don’t mean that.
Me: I mean that it’s awesome in the sense that it… inspires awe… with its horror.
Eloise: Is it really that bad?
Me: No. Yes. It’s the color that bananas are before you’re allowed to eat them.
Eloise: I eat bananas before they’re ripe!
Me: Yeah, okay, just buy the black sweater and a beret to go with your ironically ripped jeans and large glasses and your hipsterness will be complete.
Eloise: …this is a cute shirt…
Me: Would you ever wear it?
Eloise: …probably not.
Me: No. You wouldn’t. And it would hang in your closet like a big green unripe banana of shame.
Between this and my saying that the store Gussini “looks like Victoria’s Secret and Rack Room Shoes had a baby and then the baby threw up all over the inside of that store” (a lot of my comparisons involve inanimate things having babies with other inanimate things), I don’t think Eloise wants to take me shopping again in the near future.
A few other comparisons I have made in conversation:
Russian nesting doll of misery—when you have negative emotions that, in turn, cause you to have more negative emotions. Often caused by feeling bad about feeling bad.
The matryoshka of unhappiness.
The Scale of Awkwardness—this one is a little more complicated but possibly more useful (depending on the situations in your life). The name pretty much explains what it does: you can use it to rate how awkward something is. There are charts for pain and probably charts for emotions, so I thought this would probably come in handy.
0—What is wrong with you? We don’t need a zero. The scale goes from 1 to Awkward. If the awkward level is zero, then the situation isn’t awkward and you don’t need to use a scale of awkwardness. Move along.
1—parents texting
2—middle school dances
4—when someone says “Happy Birthday” and you automatically say “Thanks, you too” but it’s not their birthday
5—practicing lines with yourself in a public place and you can feel that everyone is judging you and thinking that you’re crazy
6—when you’re walking and someone approaches you head-on and you have to do that weird dance-y shuffle to figure out how to pass each other
My preferred way of avoiding this problem.
7—the moment when Elisha Gray found out that Alexander Graham Bell was given the credit for inventing the telephone
8—that time you accidentally called the teacher “Mom”
9—the time when Captain James Cook went back to Hawai’i expecting a warm welcome like he got last time, but instead they stabbed him to death
The problem with Pokémon—don’t tell me no one else has noticed this:
Me: Digimon is better than Pokémon.
Felix: What is wrong with you?
Me: No! Think about it. Digimon are like familiars. Each person only has one and they’re matched to their personalities and it’s awesome.
Svetlana: But Pokémon are more awesome.
Me: No. Pokémon are like slaves that you use…to fight other slaves. It’s like Japanese dogfighting.
One of these things is not healthy. Pokémon: not even once.
