If you clicked that link, you may have noticed that the tumblr is pretty much exactly the same as this blog, except probably a little less funny to everyone else. (Making it was extremely funny to me, as evidenced by my sitting on a couch and uncontrollably laughing and saying “I am so funny.”)
This mostly started with Felix obsessively stalking the Lord of the Flies fanfiction archive until he found my fanfiction account. I mostly ignored that because even though it was kind of weird, all the boys on our dorm floor have this bizarre preoccupation with the terrible fanfiction that we girls read and write.
He “decided not to read any of it” because he “wasn’t into any of the fandoms” I wrote about, but I’m pretty sure that just meant he was waiting until I left the room to do so.
(It’s okay Felix, you can totally read my awful tenth-grade fanfiction. I know you’re curious.)
Then I helped him make a picture by lending him my gel pens and showing him how to draw a fez, because I am a generally awesome human being and also he doesn’t know how to draw fezzes. Everyone should know how to draw a fez, because fezzes are cool.
Despite my teaching him an important life skill, Felix continued to pester me about getting a tumblr account so that I could like the picture on tumblr. He even made a post calling me “despicable” for not getting a tumblr to like his drawing.
Me: What are you, four?
(Pro tip: The word “despicable” does not convey anger to me. It just makes me think of Daffy Duck.)
He’s been tumbugging me about tumblr for a while now (see what I did there?), so I finally set up a tumblr account just so I could not like the picture.
Artist’s rendering of his drawing.
Let me inform all of you: setting up a tumblr for passive-aggressive reasons is way more difficult than it sounds.
Me: Okay, wait, how do I do this tumblr business? I mean I made a name but… now what?
Felix: I’m going to follow you before you post anything.
Me: What? You’re weird. Seriously, everything is blue.
Felix: You can change that. Click on—
Me: No! I got it. I’m a goddamn genius. Look, I can design it to look just like my blog.
Reginald: Wait. If it’s going to look just like your blog, then why do you need to make a—?
Me: So I can not like the picture he made.
Felix: You’re crazy.
Me: Ooh, I get to choose an avatar! I can use the same one from my blog.
Felix: You know what? I’m gonna unfollow you until you write the first post, and then I’m gonna follow you.
Me: I’m totally blogging all of this later.
Felix: …
Me: *happily renames “Pages Description” as “Free meth and puppies”*
Then he made a tumblr post about me being passive-aggressive and also I think he cried a little. And then he tattled on me to my boyfriend about my passive-aggressiveness. Because Felix is like four. It was really hard to make a rebuttal, since I was cackling too hard for comebacks. Reginald had something to say on the matter:
Reginald: Can you imagine Marina doing a stand-up act? Every other joke she would just be rolling on the floor, laughing at how funny she is.
Felix took this idea and ran a marathon with it, resulting in a lovely aspirational picture on my door. I passive-aggressively moved it to the dorm fridge.
Real name edited out (but I bet you can't even tell).
I was very amused, but I pretended to be not amused.
Me: You jerk! I was going to make you a cake for your birthday tomorrow.
We both instantly had the same idea, but I don’t think he actually expected me to go through with it.
Considering that I made this using only toothpicks and Betty Crocker canned frosting, I’d call this the freakin’ Creation of Adam.
He later conceded “Oh my god, Marina, this cake is delicious; you win.” The cake actually turned out better than I expected, because I am so goddamn talented. Obviously, there are a lot of things to take away from this:
1) I can’t be out-passive-aggressive’d. I take it to an art form.
2) Felix should learn to pick his battles.
3) Photoshop programs make life hilarious.
Munch has nothing on us.
Anyway, happy birthday, Felix. I made you this post as a present. Also, my tumblr is now dedicated to you. If I understand tumblr protocol now, I believe this is the highest honor.
