How much tooth fairy money is this worth?

This past summer, I had my wisdom teeth out, because they were somehow both impacted and threatening to explode out of the side of my face (citation needed). I have a Stupid Jaw Disorder, so they also thought that having fewer teeth crammed into my mandible would make things a little easier.

Before the surgery they told me what I was and wasn’t supposed to do after the surgery, but I didn’t really listen because I have a problem with authority and boring things. They all seemed pretty self-explanatory, anyway—it was stuff like “don’t rip out the stitches” and “eating jawbreakers is a bad idea”, I think. Besides, I already had a post-op plan.

I was going to send as many text messages to as many people as I could.

I don’t drink or do drugs (because drinking is illegal at my age and both that and drugs seem icky and unappealing and I have enough problems without them), so this was kind of my only chance to do something that was close to drunk texting. Immediately after I woke up from the surgery, I stumbled out of the oral surgeon’s office and started sending texts.

The following exchanges are completely factual, with my texts in normal font, bracketed and italicized translations for your benefit, and my friends’ texts bolded.

Conversation between myself and Diana

conversstion delayed i the ledd on am drufs
[The conversation we were having is delayed until I am less on the drugs.]

Le drufs?

yeah anesthsica cant to cant fttlhmodth
[Yeah, anesthesia. I can’t feel my mouth.]

XD you’re high

o think do yeah stomavj jhurts
[I think so, yeah. My stomach hurts.]

This is the best conversation ever

all the channels on the tv now aHrewbtr terrinoe
[All the channels on the TV now are terrible.]

Lol good story bro

tried to drink waytewr it wntn straight up throuygh my nose wtf
[I tried to drink water. It went straight up through my nose. Wtf.]

Not enjoying being high

not fuuny
[Not funny!]

eatn &6 drinkign too hard but m hangry
[Eating and drinking is too hard, but I’m hungry.]

Conversation between myself and Austin

k writing a podt like this wouldb be duclinmgfsa imposbloep
[Okay, writing a post like this would be f***ing impossible.]

…it would be so funny

oy uews nl
ldkt def no postigid
(No idea what I mean by the first part…)
[Idk, definitely no posting.]

tryd to drin atrer it wnyt straiht up throgyu my bnoews wth
[I tried to drink water. It went straight up through my nose. What the hell.]

*snicker*

not funy im trhristy
[Not funny. I’m thirsty.]

Try spraying your mouth

drinking not worki t goes through my nowe
[Drinking isn’t working; it goes out through my nose.]

Conversation between myself and Keena

why esophagus nop working
[Why is my esophagus not working?]

surgery was okay then?

yeah but drinking olmposs bliue
[Yeah, but drinking is impossible.]

…. You are on some lovely drugs. Are you up to a present or would you like to sleep?

just kinda laying on couych right now supposed to eat but it’s like ikmpossbnl
e
[I’m just kinda laying on the couch right now. I’m supposed to eat but it’s like impossible.]

You canz want ice cream?

not now he told me not to have that

Dawww okay sorry then can’t help you

nno wertres
[No worries.]

… pfft if you saw what youd sent youd understand. Just get some rest mkay?

not supposed to sleepo gfmsupposed yo esat bnut too hard
[I’m not supposed to sleep. I’m supposed to eat, but it’s too hard.]

Aww :( yogurt? cream cheese?

said no dairy, syupposed to pasta, too hard
[The doctor said no dairy. I’m supposed to eat pasta, but it’s too hard to do that.]

Really really overcooked pasta *nods*

i have chopped up spaghtii but swallowing esta myy dificil
[I have chopped up spaghetti, but swallowing is really hard.]
(For some reason I decided Spanish was really appropriate there.)

Ohhhhh. Sadface.

all thevstfdfd on tv right now sucks
[All the stuff on TV right now sucks.]

Hehhehh that’s unfortunate

blarghjk
[Blargh.]

Dawww *patpat*

dvds toofar away
[The DVDs are too far away.]

Awwwww :(

Rawer
[Rawr.]

Isn’t there anyone there for you to order around?

mom wemt to gert the percovet
[My mom went to get the percocet.]

Ah okay I was glad they hadn’t abandoned you

nhm.
[Mhm.]

Uwaaaah. :]

i cant make k sounds

D’awww. hehheh it’ll come back don’t worry.

shit i drpped the rmotr on the vfloo. too far
[Shit, I dropped the remote on the floor. Too far away.]

Look at that epic stretch. That must’ve been, what, six inches? What I’m saying is that it’s an insurmountable distance.

Waaah hope ur mom gets back soon!

roresnt relally msattr thesse nonthin good on any of the channrels
[It doesn’t really matter. There’s nothing good on any of the channels.]

:/ Hope you feel better.

Mythbusterssss

Yaaaaaaay :D

anesthesia weairng off but no other drugs yet

Hehheh less loopy now?

somewhat lol

^_^

but as i sed no painkillers started yet sooo

Lololol i should be getting some very interesting texts soon

soon = around 5pm

You may not have to take the painkillers just btw

eh i think i will, as im getting less numb its starting to hert

This picture basically summarizes how I was feeling after the anesthesia started to wear off.

I’m not really even sure how I ended up saying half of that stuff. Why did I tell Diana that all the shows on TV were Hebrew terrible? I was clearly watching Mythbusters, not Fiddler on the Roof. And why did I think it’d be appropriate to talk to Keena in Spanish? Neither of us has spoken Spanish in two years.

After the anesthesia stopped working I just felt really overheated and uncomfortable, like my chipmunk cheeks were full of burning cotton balls. Then a few days later a black hole opened in the back right side of my cheek because surgery sucks. Like, in the sense that there was a physical hole behind my back tooth, and I was pretty sure that I could see my jawbone in the hole. Or something white that totally does not belong on the visible spectrum. That was not a happy realization and after I saw that in the mirror I had to sit down with a cool cloth on my head because the room had gone over all cold and I was a little scared that I was going to faint like a goat.

Then we went to see the oral surgeon about it because possible visible bone is never a good thing.

Me: Hi. I think that a black hole to the underworld is opening in the back of my mouth.

Oral Surgeon: Does it hurt?

Me: You just removed four pieces of bone from my face. Of course it hurts.

Oral Surgeon: On a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt?

Me: Not very much. Maybe…a three.

Oral Surgeon: Well, if you had a dry socket you would say it was a twelve.

Me: Oh.

Oral Surgeon: So it’s probably okay.

Me: Does that mean I don’t get vicodin? All my friends got vicodin when they got their wisdom teeth out.

Oral Surgeon: No.

Me: Oh.

Disappointingly, he didn’t give me vicodin. But on the positive side, it was all okay and two days later I regenerated that tissue like a freakin’ time lord.

That part made me feel like this.

Anyway, I totally don’t regret sending lousy texts, but there are two things I later realized I could’ve done that I didn’t.

1. I got my wisdom teeth out all at once, but I should have had them done one at a time for FOUR TIMES the amount of anesthetized texts.

2. My wisdom teeth are the only teeth that I didn’t get tooth fairy money from. What the hell, me? Those were probably worth, like, a ton of tooth fairy money. Probably at least two dollars each. What did the oral surgeon do with them, anyway? Did he throw them out? Does he have a monopoly on tooth fairy transactions? Damn it. I am probably supporting his hoarding of all the resources. I should have asked for those back.

Then again, what would I have done with them?

…probably left them in random sinks in my house, covered in red food dye.

It’s probably a good thing this didn’t occur to me earlier.

Nomenclature

I love names. As someone who attempts to write fiction—read as: scraps a story after a few chapters because she forgot to add a villain—and comes up with pretty decent characters, naming is something I like to think I’m good at. I like when names are significant, like how in the totally addictive show “Once Upon a Time”, Cinderella’s name is Ashley (see what they did there? Ashley).

In regards to real life, the chances are that if I’ve interacted with you, I named our kids. Sorry. As a girl it’s really hard to think about what my kids’ names are going to be, since I don’t know what their last name is going to be.

As a general rule, last name determines whether or not you can use Richard as a first name.

There are also name jinxes—names I can’t ever use because of someone in my life who already has that name. If you have an alias on this blog, your real name is probably name-jinxed because you are too important/too involved in my shenanigans for me to ever want to associate another person with your name. (There are also literal name jinxes, like “everyone on the maternal side of my family named Joseph died at a tragically young age in a particularly nasty manner”. Which is really a pity, because I actually like the name Joseph.)

Besides terrible puns and off-limits names, you also have to consider that everyone in the world has a name and that some of those people are famous. This basically means that, no matter how much I love the name “Olivia”, it would be cruel to use it if the last name was “Wilde”. Same goes for “Adam” and “Smith”.

There are also names that I love but would never saddle a kid with—Keegan and Jeramie, for example. I don’t understand it when people use ridiculous spellings of normal names, and I would never do that, but for some reason I like that version better than “Jeremy”. But I would never do that because I don’t want people to think that I’m insane, and I definitely don’t want my kid to have to explain “No, it’s spelled all weird; there’s no y.”

The last place I decided to do preemptive naming was in my chemistry class. This mostly stemmed from the face that I got really sad about the fact that you can’t spell my name using elements on the periodic table. (If only there was a free M…I can get ArINa to work!)

And yes, what followed was exactly what you are thinking. I’ve decided that I’m only giving my kids names that can be spelled out with elements. That way, they won’t be as sad as I was when they’re sitting in chemistry and can’t spell their names with the periodic table. I already made a list of pretty good names.

One of these is name-jinxed in a good way, but I thought it was worth listing regardless. Images courtesy of this extremely excellent website.

Periodic table, I now have some grievances that we need to address.

1. You need the following: A, E, M, R, D, T, L. These are really common letters. I’m not sure why you don’t have them.

2. You do not need the following: Yb, Cs, Hf, Rf, Np, Sg, anything that is a consonant followed by an M, anything that begins with “Uu” (that’s right, elements 113 to 118, I’m looking at you.) There are a few others but these annoy me the most. These do not spell anything in English, ever. Especially not names.

3. It would be cool if you had the following, but I can work around it if you listen to Grievance 1: To, Le, Ll, Ia,

4. What’s the deal with your lack of Qu? And your lack of J’s? That second point totally killed like a third of my list.

Despite these obvious flaws (seriously scientists, you need to get on that and discover some new elements and name them after my blog), I managed to come up with an extensive list of names. Including names that I would never use because I am not a terrible human being.

“Oh, really?” you ask. “Well, what if you want to name your kids after iconic figures from pop culture?”

“No problem!” I say.

Meet LuCY, CaSPEr, and FRaN.

“Well, what if you marry someone who isn’t American and wants names from his heritage?”

“I got this. Their names are TiMoTeO and NArCISSe. Except they won’t have the capitalization that a thirteen-year-old who just discovered AIM would use. I was just showing which elements are involved.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to name your kids after wizards?”

“You underestimate me.”

Say hello to GaNdAlF and AlBUS.

“Okay, well, I bet you can’t do food, children’s story characters, and terrifying historical figures.”

“I bet you are going to regret suggesting that.”

CaNdY, BAmBi, and AtTiLa. Aren’t they precious?

In other news, I wrote a love poem for chemistry nerds and/or people who don’t like chatspeek and/or people who like order. Here you go.

Phenolphthalein is pink

Bromethymol is blue

If I could rearrange the periodic table

I wouldn’t move a damn thing, because that would mess up the trends.

But metaphorically I would put Iodine next to Uranium.

Actually, I would put Yttrium, Oxygen, and Uranium next to each other, and then put that next to Iodine. Because “U” is not a word.