Before the surgery they told me what I was and wasn’t supposed to do after the surgery, but I didn’t really listen because I have a problem with authority and boring things. They all seemed pretty self-explanatory, anyway—it was stuff like “don’t rip out the stitches” and “eating jawbreakers is a bad idea”, I think. Besides, I already had a post-op plan.
I was going to send as many text messages to as many people as I could.
I don’t drink or do drugs (because drinking is illegal at my age and both that and drugs seem icky and unappealing and I have enough problems without them), so this was kind of my only chance to do something that was close to drunk texting. Immediately after I woke up from the surgery, I stumbled out of the oral surgeon’s office and started sending texts.
The following exchanges are completely factual, with my texts in normal font, bracketed and italicized translations for your benefit, and my friends’ texts bolded.
Conversation between myself and Diana
conversstion delayed i the ledd on am drufs
[The conversation we were having is delayed until I am less on the drugs.]
Le drufs?
yeah anesthsica cant to cant fttlhmodth
[Yeah, anesthesia. I can’t feel my mouth.]
XD you’re high
o think do yeah stomavj jhurts
[I think so, yeah. My stomach hurts.]
This is the best conversation ever
all the channels on the tv now aHrewbtr terrinoe
[All the channels on the TV now are terrible.]
Lol good story bro
tried to drink waytewr it wntn straight up throuygh my nose wtf
[I tried to drink water. It went straight up through my nose. Wtf.]
Not enjoying being high
not fuuny
[Not funny!]
eatn &6 drinkign too hard but m hangry
[Eating and drinking is too hard, but I’m hungry.]
Conversation between myself and Austin
k writing a podt like this wouldb be duclinmgfsa imposbloep
[Okay, writing a post like this would be f***ing impossible.]
…it would be so funny
oy uews nl
ldkt def no postigid
(No idea what I mean by the first part…)
[Idk, definitely no posting.]
tryd to drin atrer it wnyt straiht up throgyu my bnoews wth
[I tried to drink water. It went straight up through my nose. What the hell.]
*snicker*
not funy im trhristy
[Not funny. I’m thirsty.]
Try spraying your mouth
drinking not worki t goes through my nowe
[Drinking isn’t working; it goes out through my nose.]
Conversation between myself and Keena
why esophagus nop working
[Why is my esophagus not working?]
surgery was okay then?
yeah but drinking olmposs bliue
[Yeah, but drinking is impossible.]
…. You are on some lovely drugs. Are you up to a present or would you like to sleep?
just kinda laying on couych right now supposed to eat but it’s like ikmpossbnl
e
[I’m just kinda laying on the couch right now. I’m supposed to eat but it’s like impossible.]
You canz want ice cream?
not now he told me not to have that
Dawww okay sorry then can’t help you
nno wertres
[No worries.]
… pfft if you saw what youd sent youd understand. Just get some rest mkay?
not supposed to sleepo gfmsupposed yo esat bnut too hard
[I’m not supposed to sleep. I’m supposed to eat, but it’s too hard.]
Aww :( yogurt? cream cheese?
said no dairy, syupposed to pasta, too hard
[The doctor said no dairy. I’m supposed to eat pasta, but it’s too hard to do that.]
Really really overcooked pasta *nods*
i have chopped up spaghtii but swallowing esta myy dificil
[I have chopped up spaghetti, but swallowing is really hard.]
(For some reason I decided Spanish was really appropriate there.)
Ohhhhh. Sadface.
all thevstfdfd on tv right now sucks
[All the stuff on TV right now sucks.]
Hehhehh that’s unfortunate
blarghjk
[Blargh.]
Dawww *patpat*
dvds toofar away
[The DVDs are too far away.]
Awwwww :(
Rawer
[Rawr.]
Isn’t there anyone there for you to order around?
mom wemt to gert the percovet
[My mom went to get the percocet.]
Ah okay I was glad they hadn’t abandoned you
nhm.
[Mhm.]
Uwaaaah. :]
i cant make k sounds
D’awww. hehheh it’ll come back don’t worry.
shit i drpped the rmotr on the vfloo. too far
[Shit, I dropped the remote on the floor. Too far away.]
Look at that epic stretch. That must’ve been, what, six inches? What I’m saying is that it’s an insurmountable distance.
Waaah hope ur mom gets back soon!
roresnt relally msattr thesse nonthin good on any of the channrels
[It doesn’t really matter. There’s nothing good on any of the channels.]
:/ Hope you feel better.
Mythbusterssss
Yaaaaaaay :D
anesthesia weairng off but no other drugs yet
Hehheh less loopy now?
somewhat lol
^_^
but as i sed no painkillers started yet sooo
Lololol i should be getting some very interesting texts soon
soon = around 5pm
You may not have to take the painkillers just btw
eh i think i will, as im getting less numb its starting to hert
This picture basically summarizes how I was feeling after the anesthesia started to wear off.
I’m not really even sure how I ended up saying half of that stuff. Why did I tell Diana that all the shows on TV were Hebrew terrible? I was clearly watching Mythbusters, not Fiddler on the Roof. And why did I think it’d be appropriate to talk to Keena in Spanish? Neither of us has spoken Spanish in two years.
After the anesthesia stopped working I just felt really overheated and uncomfortable, like my chipmunk cheeks were full of burning cotton balls. Then a few days later a black hole opened in the back right side of my cheek because surgery sucks. Like, in the sense that there was a physical hole behind my back tooth, and I was pretty sure that I could see my jawbone in the hole. Or something white that totally does not belong on the visible spectrum. That was not a happy realization and after I saw that in the mirror I had to sit down with a cool cloth on my head because the room had gone over all cold and I was a little scared that I was going to faint like a goat.
Then we went to see the oral surgeon about it because possible visible bone is never a good thing.
Me: Hi. I think that a black hole to the underworld is opening in the back of my mouth.
Oral Surgeon: Does it hurt?
Me: You just removed four pieces of bone from my face. Of course it hurts.
Oral Surgeon: On a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt?
Me: Not very much. Maybe…a three.
Oral Surgeon: Well, if you had a dry socket you would say it was a twelve.
Me: Oh.
Oral Surgeon: So it’s probably okay.
Me: Does that mean I don’t get vicodin? All my friends got vicodin when they got their wisdom teeth out.
Oral Surgeon: No.
Me: Oh.
Disappointingly, he didn’t give me vicodin. But on the positive side, it was all okay and two days later I regenerated that tissue like a freakin’ time lord.
That part made me feel like this.
Anyway, I totally don’t regret sending lousy texts, but there are two things I later realized I could’ve done that I didn’t.
1. I got my wisdom teeth out all at once, but I should have had them done one at a time for FOUR TIMES the amount of anesthetized texts.
2. My wisdom teeth are the only teeth that I didn’t get tooth fairy money from. What the hell, me? Those were probably worth, like, a ton of tooth fairy money. Probably at least two dollars each. What did the oral surgeon do with them, anyway? Did he throw them out? Does he have a monopoly on tooth fairy transactions? Damn it. I am probably supporting his hoarding of all the resources. I should have asked for those back.
Then again, what would I have done with them?
…probably left them in random sinks in my house, covered in red food dye.
It’s probably a good thing this didn’t occur to me earlier.
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